Snow falling lightly, music in the air, children laughing , families hustling, trying to purchase gifts for their loved ones. Carts pass by me one by one, with sleeping babies, children, in them, while mom and dad continue to hurry to avoid the mad rush just before Christmas. Other children crying, needing to be taken home for a nap, or lunch. Parents, just so caught up in their own agendas, that they don't notice (or are ignoring), their children's needs. People walking around, looking so tired that they could just drop into a chair, unhappy faces, impatience coming to the surface over and over again, as they try to be the next person to get waited on, in line. Hands on hips, upside down smiles, rudeness comes across over and over. All in the name of "Christmas".
Soft music plays in the air. "Silver Bells, Silver Bells, It's Christmas time in the city. Ring a Ling, hear them ring, soon it will be christmas day." Music that should "calm" the soul, does for some, but not for those who don't have time to "really hear". Some days, it feels like I am working in "a blur", So many things happening around me. Isles that are full of carts, so full, you feel like you are on a crowded highway. I can't seem to get back to the other department fast enough, to suit the people who are in a hurry. Tempers get short, I feel like I am in a tunnel, sometimes not knowing which way to go to get out of it.
Am I ready for Christmas? My mind constantly goes back to this last Christmas season, which wasn't the happiest for myself, and my family. Our hearts were heavy, the tree didn't even get put up till one week before Christmas, It felt so dark around me at the time, I should have put the lights up fast, but couldn't seem to get my heart to agree. Once the lights went up, all I could do was sit and stare at the lights, and think about many past Christmas's gone by. Christmas's spent in my mom and dad's home, with all my brothers and sisters, around the tree. They were "fun" christmas's. But it felt so strange this Christmas because "one" was gone, and would not return. Mom had just arrived in Heaven, to spend Christmas with Jesus, who meant the world to her. The rest of us "left behind", to put that next Christmas tree up the following year.
Am I ready for Christmas? Has my heart lifted up alittle? I work with a "bag of mixed emotions", a real tug a war. Yes, my heart is lighening, but there are so many memories that go round in my heart when I see all the decorations, christmas trees, hear the music in the air. It brings both sad, and happy memories to mind.
Two years have now passed since I first posted this. It still feels like only yesterday since we lost mom. It is this very time that we had just gotten back from Montana. Our tree got put up only a few days before Christmas. My heart was very heavy. I didn't want to take part in the "fun, laughter, merry ment" of the Christmas season. I wanted to just sit and cry. As I write this, I am there once again. I'm sorry, I still miss my mom, as I know we all do. I feel like mom was taken away from us way too soon. I can't seem to let her go, even now, as it is 2 years later. A few weeks ago, Ed and I had just gotten back from the funeral of a very special lady in our lives. In fact, I had asked her one time on the phone, if I could call her "mom"?
"Why Christmas time"? That is a question that goes around in my mind this year. So many loved ones are taken home at Christmas time, or New Year's. I still work in a "blur" many days. I still hear "Silver Bells", playing in the background. Carts everywhere are still being pushed around with sleeping children in them. Many people look so tired, so unhappy. Many tempers very short with children, with each other. Carts so full. Wallets becoming very "bare". As I sat in the lunch room today, one lady was quietly saying to another, basically, that we need to put on that "smile" and "cheerful" attitude, even tho some of our customers are so short tempered. We don't know what they are dealing with in their lives. As I sat listening, I was definately thinking about mom, and our family who were tired, and emotional.
No, I'm not really ready for Christmas yet. Our tree was just put up on Sunday night. We had just gotten home from a "Country Christmas Program", in a little country church. It was a beautiful evening, but brought many emotions back to the surface, as I sat there. We couldn't go to bed that night without getting the tree put up. It is so beautiful, the lights. I sit in the room late at night just stareing at the "lights" again, as I did, having just gotten back saying good bye to mom.
I am thankful for my kids. We just found out that Suzanne and Thomas will be here for Christmas. Ron is already home. Now all we need is Jon! I miss you Jon. I still am a "bag of mixed emotions". Too much saying "goodbye" to special people, in my life this last few years, so many changes. But "God" Is?? In Control?! I love you all. Please be patient with me, I am feeling "alittle" sentimental at the moment. After all, it is Christmas Time you know!
